How to Get the Best Out of Me
Agree on a personal feedback contract before difficult moments arrive
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 99%
How to Get the Best Out of Me is a pre-emptive conversation about feedback preferences. Before a difficult moment, two people discuss what makes each feel appreciated, when and how coaching is most useful, which feedback habits irritate them, how others can recognize that they are triggered, and what helps when defensiveness appears. They jot down the answers and keep them accessible. The agreement gives a future giver a practical reference instead of forcing them to guess the right timing, channel, or tone. It also makes the receiver partly responsible for improving the exchange by explaining their own patterns. The result is not trigger-free feedback, but a clearer and more deliberate starting point.
Origin
Heen pointed listeners to Triad Consulting Group's “How to get the best out of me” template while discussing sensitive employees.
Core principles
- 01Feedback preferences should be discussed rather than guessed
- 02Appreciation looks different to different people
- 03Defensive behavior can be hard for others to read
- 04A written reminder makes preferences usable later
How to run it
- 1
Schedule the conversation
Discuss feedback while no immediate criticism is at stake. Frame the purpose as helping both people work together effectively.
Pro tip Make the exchange reciprocal rather than diagnosing only one person.
- 2
Map appreciation
Ask what actions or words make the person feel seen and valued. Do not assume verbal praise is the only signal.
Pro tip Advice-seeking or trusted assignments may communicate appreciation for some people.
- 3
Map coaching preferences
Ask about useful timing, channels, delivery habits, and pet peeves when improvement feedback is needed.
Watch out Preferences guide delivery but do not eliminate the need for candid feedback.
- 4
Map trigger signals
Describe how defensiveness appears and what another person can do that is likely to help.
Pro tip Include shutdown and internal argument, not only visible anger.
- 5
Record and reuse
Keep concise notes and consult them before initiating feedback. Refer to the agreement when choosing a time to talk.
Watch out Do not collect preferences and then ignore them.
In the wild
A manager has observations about last week's presentation. Instead of delivering them without warning, the manager checks the employee's recorded preference and asks when it would be helpful to discuss the thoughts, using the feedback agreement created earlier.
→ The conversation begins with less guesswork and a delivery approach the employee helped design.
Common mistakes
Guessing the receiver's preferences
Even well-intended givers may choose a timing or form that makes the feedback harder to use.
Losing the agreement
Preferences cannot guide future behavior if no one records or revisits them.
Is it for you?
Best for
Managers and colleagues who expect to exchange recurring feedback over time.
Not ideal for
Using stated preferences as a promise that all necessary feedback will always feel comfortable.
From the transcript
“One foundation thing is have the two of you had a conversation about how they prefer to get feedback?”
“We have a little template that's like, "How to get the best out of me," that each of us can jot down some thoughts to…”
“Just having that conversation up front means I don't have to guess at how to give you feedback because already told me, and hopefully I've…”
From the episode
#703: Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback
Sheila Heen